Friday, August 10, 2012

Caution: Emotional Pile Up In Progress

Well I guess it is about time I shared some home truths with the world. For the past few months I have been taking anti depressants. There I said it, it is out there for everyone to read. See my big issue with putting it out there is that for many years I saw depression as an excuse. I really did not see what was so wrong with peoples' lives that they would cause them to feel so, well depressed. Now after experiencing first hand I wholeheartedly apologise to anyone I unintentionally judged when learning of their depression.

Do not get me wrong though I still believe some people require more self awareness of their lives and need to much much more to help themselves. Simply being on medication for depression or any similar illness is not good enough as I am learning. You can allow it to be an excuse if you do not work at making yourself better and you can not do this solely on medication.

I thought I had it sorted with the medication I am taking, hubby starting a new job which saw him home each night after work and a new wardrobe to brighten my day. I was wrong though. Not even three months into the new job which was to solve all our problems, except money of course, hubby is now back working away Monday to Friday and I am here playing duo role as mummy and daddy to our two rugrats. Now I can already hear some of you say "So what that is my life everyday" and I take my hat of those that either do the single parent thing or similar. I have learnt that, well I am just not made up of the stuff it takes to handle those pressures. I like to think I am tough but I am not that tough it seems. 

I just deleted what was becoming quite a large point form run down as to the reason I believe me to being on medication. I deleted it because it sounded like I was trying to hard to explain myself and well I just do not want to have to justify it to anyone. So just know that my life as a mum to two young children and a husband who worked away most weeks took its toll on me. My problems are not that big compared to most but to me they are and that is enough for me.

Not only did I start taking medication, I also had to come to terms with weaning my Lil Guy and moving him from our bed. I am a big breastfeeding advocate and Miss S self weaned at fourteen months, never to have a drop of formula. Now at almost 11 months Lil Guy is fully bottle fed and sleeping full time in his own cot, with minimal fuss of going to sleep by himself. It took me a month to be fine with doing this as I battled with myself internally about every aspect of what this would mean. I had to be alright with it knowing that in years to come I might want to blame myself for stopping too soon. I am okay with it and really believe it was best thing for all of us. As they say "The Proof Is In The Pudding" and now that we have more of a routine with Lil Guy, he is *touch wood* only waking once per night opposed to up to three or four times to go to the boob more so for comfort than for hunger. He even went a full 8 hours straight the other night.

Like with everything in life things are not easy and our latest curve ball first had me acting like a spoilt child who had their presents taken away from them, on Christmas morning, after only being allow to open them. Hubby has for the past week and a half been sent away for work, even though he took this new, much lower paying, job just so he could be home every night. So as gutted as I am and after eating myself silly I now need to pick my sorry self up, dust my new skinny jeans off and find a scenic detour around this latest emotional pile up.

Anyway none of the above probably is well written but that is not the point of this post. The point is that I have so much going on inside and out that I just need somewhere to digest it. It has taken me a few weeks to finally get to this stage of posting and if I wait any longer I fear I may internally combust.

One thing I am liking about the new found me on this journey though is actually old parts of me that I thought might have been lost since becoming a mum. Thankfully though you never truly loss your old self it just moves over to make room for new parts but is always there to lift you up when the time calls.


Anyone who feels things are getting too much for them, for whatever reason, I urge to call Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636 and speak with someone today. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help!

3 comments:

BecMalcomson said...

Very brave post Renee, but honest people like you help other realise they don't have to just swallow their problems and deal with everything themselves. So thankyou for baring this part of your soul with us. xoxoxo

Jess @ Scrappy n Happy said...

Great post Renee. We are all only human and are obviously not perfect.
It is hard being a mum and wife...I had PND and have anxiety issues now, life is a battle sometimes but it is one worth fighting. It is nice to know that we are not the only ones having issues, it can feel like a lonely road sometimes if you have no one who understands.
Hug your kiddies and be strong!

Single Mummy said...

Sorry for such a late reply to your comments Bec and Jessica. I was a little confronted with posting such a personal thing and then to for it to be responded too so lovingly was overwhelming. Thank you both for your kind words. I am dealing with each day at a time this week rather than dwelling on the hubby being away again.
x Renee

 
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